How do you adjust to major life changes?
I want to ask you a question. Have you experienced any challenges while adjusting to major life changes? I ask because I feel like social media has romanticized processes in a way where we don’t always see the challenging parts of change. When I say major life changes, I mean marriage, separation, death, homeownership, moving in together, etc. I asked this question in my IG stories as well, and here are some of the most common responses I got.
When my now husband, Marcus, and I moved in together, I did find it a little bit challenging. Don’t get me wrong. Most of what I felt was excitement and almost like a little kid gearing up for an adventure. But I lived alone for quite a while. When I was in NY, I had a roommate for some time. Then, when I moved to LA in 2018, I lived alone for four years. Having a roommate isn’t the same as living with your romantic partner, and living alone is obviously very different. So you can see how this was also a major adjustment because not only was I moving in with Marcus, but my bonus son, MJ, lives with us for part of the week.
Before I go into detail and share some more adjustments I’ve found challenging, as well as some of my favorite parts, I want to clarify that my approach to living together and being a wife is a mix of modern and traditional. I’m all for sharing household responsibilities and doing things together (I love those moments, but I also love doing things like cooking for my family and cleaning. The cleaning part is mostly because I’m particular, lol. But it’s not beneath me to ask for help when I need it! Which is why we have a housekeeper come in bi-weekly. It makes maintenance and light cleaning way easier for all of us.
Now that that’s out of the way, eating for me was no big deal. If you follow me on Instagram or TikTok, you know I love my green juices, and sometimes I’ll have some pre-made meals. I would also order in or meet friends for meals all the time. Having my own little family now and being a homeowner (owning a home in LA is a blessing, but those bills are billing), I find myself being more conscious of spending habits. That awareness came with a rude awakening. We have to eat THREE times a day?! Three! When you’re doing the cooking, that seems like so much. Like, did I eat all of these meals on my own? But, honestly, now that I’ve been in the kitchen more often, I find that I love my cooking way more than most takeout. It also helps that Marcus is a great cook, so though I love cooking, it’s nice to have someone who enjoys cooking too!
Another thing that is so different among most couples is the level of cleanliness. There’s usually a neat person and a chaotic person. Although I can err on the side of chaos every once in a while, especially when getting ready to go out. Living with someone else has taught me to be more considerate of my use of space. Marcus is pretty neat, but he’s not a neat freak, which is important to me because I don’t know that I could do that, lol! We work together to reset the house daily. If it’s a busy week, we make sure we’re doing our part to pick up and then have a major reset when we’re free. This way, things don’t pile up, and things aren’t cluttered everywhere.
Before buying a house together, the three of us lived in a two-bedroom apartment. It definitely felt like we were all on top of each other. Now, with a new house and a lot more space, we’re able to live a bit more comfortably and be in our own space. We have separate bathrooms and closets, which I feel very lucky to have. We also have an office now, which is so convenient. As an influencer, though I do feel very grateful for all of the gifts I’m sent, those things do accumulate. It’s nice to have a space where I can store most of these things without overwhelming everyone else and even myself.
Overall, I’m definitely WAY more organized (here are some of my favorite tools), and I value planning a lot more than I did when I was living alone. Things like a Roborock vacuum get me really excited. Or even just following recipes and meal planning (here are some of my favorite recipes) feels way better and more useful now. I noticed that when things are everywhere, and there are just pockets of mess throughout the house, everyone becomes a little bit overwhelmed. Staying on top of everything makes being home a lot more enjoyable. I love that for us!
Those are surface challenges, or I guess, “first-world problems.” But there are deeper challenges that I’ve had to learn to navigate as well. When you live alone and are dating your partner, it’s very easy to go home and decompress after a disagreement. When you’re living together, it’s a little harder, and I feel like this requires a more mature and evolved set of communication skills. Something I’m fortunate to have learned through premarital counseling and solo therapy.
Generally, we don’t have many disagreements, but we do have more now that we live together. It’s much easier to stonewall each other or ignore someone if you aren’t in the same house. Now, our goal is to reconcile as soon as possible. This means that it usually just takes one of us to apologize and be really intentional about the way we communicate with each other. Not hurting feelings, name-calling, or blaming. There’s a lot of thinking before we speak here. And of course, as Ephesians 4:26-27 says, we try our best not to go to bed angry.
I used to think that if you argued or disagreed, it meant that your relationship wasn’t functional and it probably wasn’t a good fit. Now I know that they aren’t always a bad thing. There’s this book I love called The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I highly recommend it! Disagreements usually lead to a palpable disconnect between partners. Through his book, not only have I learned that not all disagreements are bad, but I’ve learned that the most important thing is how quickly we can get back to being connected.
We’ll always have challenges, and I’m so thankful that we are constantly working on ourselves and our relationship so that we can have the appropriate tools to navigate those challenges. But we’ll always have fun moments, too! When we were dating and had our own apartments, I used to hateeee leaving. Always wanted to stay and hang out forever. You know that feeling in the early days of dating! We just enjoyed each other’s company so much and neither of us wanted to part. Now, we get to hang out forever, whenever we want! That constant companionship is really nice. Don’t get me wrong. I value alone time, and we both still make time for our friends, but when I lived alone, I did experience moments of loneliness. This makes it all the better. We can have alone time if we want it, and we can spend time together.
I’m saving the best for last! I love having MJ with us. He’s just such a joy. There’s no particular instance I can think of or some specific memory that stands out. There’s just joy in everything when he’s around. From little moments like putting him to bed or waking him up. Random funny/cute things he says. I keep using the word “joy,” but it really is such a JOY. When life is hard, or I’m having a stressful day, I’ll look at MJ, and he’ll just be hanging out. Doing innocent child-like things off on his own. It serves as such a great reminder to take life a little less seriously sometimes. Having a bonus son has brought such a new purpose into my life, and it really feels like a gift.
I hope this was helpful. My goal is to be more transparent about this kind of stuff because these are topics that I wish I heard more people I personally follow talk about. Though I love seeing the baecations and the fun home renovations, I also appreciate when people share the things no one can see. That foundation-building process is everything, and I hope that getting a small glimpse into mine is helpful!