My Experience As A Bonus Mom and A Gift Guide For Her
This week on Instagram, I put up a Q&A box and asked you to submit questions you might have about my journey as a bonus mom and what it was like dating a man with a child. I always get questions and comments about this topic. Especially on my TikTok, so I figured this would be a great way to answer the most common ones. Now, I will say I didn’t expect to receive so many questions, so we will definitely have to split this into two or three parts.
I also added a Bonus Mom / Mom holiday gift guide. You can find it by scrolling to the end of this post.
Let’s start with the term “Bonus Mom.” I’ll be honest: there is no depth to the reason as to why I use the term, and when I first heard it, I thought it was corny. I used to refer to myself as MJ’s stepmother, but through the encouragement of others, I started using the term bonus mom. I think it has fewer negative connotations attached to it, and it seems to be a term that’s preferred. Especially for my generation, so we’re sticking to it. I also get it now because a bonus is usually associated with a reward or something positive, and that’s what this relationship feels like an amazing addition to my relationship with my husband, Marcus.
Okay, so to clarify, a bonus mom can be a stepmother, or any mother who didn’t birth the child they’re raising.
I’m excited to share a lot of these answers with you, and I feel really passionate about sharing my experience as a bonus mom because when I first became one, I felt very alone. I didn’t know many people my age who could relate to my situation, and most of the resources I found were rooted in negativity, which I didn’t find helpful. My sister is a bonus mom, and thank God for her because I gained so much insight from her. Now that some of my friends are dating, and even when some of you guys message me, I hear stories about finding really great partners who have children from another relationship. These stories turned into questions that seem really basic now but remind me that at the beginning of our relationship, I also felt lost when navigating that part of it.
Before I offer my insight, I want to share two resources that I found really helpful throughout my journey. VIPStepmom on Tiktok and @Mindykyle.coaching - She actually offers one-on-one coaching services as well!
NOW FOR YOUR QUESTIONS
Q: “ I’m curious if you wouldn’t mind sharing…What do you think or notice made him so guarded initially? And, What were some of the MAIN things that you (and your hubby) did that helped him drop his guard and start to be more open to you being in his life?
I genuinely want to learn a few tips from someone who’s been through it and is currently living it. Thanks!”
A: My bonus son, MJ, was only four and a half when we first met. Even at that young age, I found he was very guarded. He was also very aware of the dynamic of Marcus and my relationship. He knew I was more than “daddy’s friend,” lol. Like most kids, I’m sure he felt he needed to remain loyal to his mother. I think this is partly because he’s a boy, hence the term momma’s boy. Still, through all of that, I could tell there were times when he wanted to let us guard down, but he would immediately pull back.
This was particularly difficult to navigate because his mom was/isn’t supportive of my role as a bonus mom. The situation would obviously be different if she were, so I found this challenging. Like a lot of women, I have this natural motherly instinct. I’m so close with all of my nieces and nephews. I’ve always loved children. I thought connecting with him would be a breeze. But I very quickly realized this situation was way more complicated than that.
Here are a few things I found helpful:
Patience
One of the most important things to remember throughout this process is that trust is earned. While I earned his trust, I, too, had to trust that, in time, he’d warm up to me. I gave him space and respected his boundaries in every way. I don’t mind physical touch, but he said he didn’t want to hug me. I made sure he knew I was okay with that, and I also made sure not to make it about me. I asked for an alternative form of physical bonding, so we landed on a high-five, and eventually, the three of us made up a handshake which we still use today. That was comfortable for a while, and now I get endless hugs without asking. So worth the wait because nothing hits like a hug from MJ at the end of an insane day.
The other things I did felt practical to me. I made sure to cater to his love language, which is quality time in the form of play. I also got to know him at his own pace. This felt like it was key because we always hear about adults trying to force information out of children by asking questions or having all sorts of conversations intending to learn about kids in their own way. I made sure to prioritize his trust and comfort with our relationship so that he could share what he wanted when he felt ready.
One-on-one time was also very helpful. If Marcus had something to do, I would ask to spend time with him, and I feel like that really helped us bond, which brings me to my next point. Having my husband's support as his dad felt IMPERATIVE. I’ve had some bonus moms tell me how their husbands didn’t/don’t really advocate for them, and I don’t see how you could have a positive relationship without that support. Marcus would have talks with MJ explaining the situation, and it encouraged him to get to know me. Again, at his own pace. He didn’t force him, but he advocated for me. Over time, Marcus’ encouragement and demonstration of his trust in me made its way to MJ.
One last thought, and then I’ll move on to the next question. When we were engaged, I noticed he became a little anxious. After we got married, I noticed a major difference. I didn’t expect to, so that was a pleasant surprise. I’m not sure what it was. If I had to guess, maybe it was seeing our union, hearing our vows, and watching people celebrate our family made it real for him in a good way. I think he was worried about how things would change once we got married, which is expected. But once we did, and he saw that we were even more united and in love, you could tell a sense of relief came over him. Literally, the day after we got married, he kept saying, “We’re the 3 Cromarites now!” That literally melted my heart.
My next question is probably the most common question I get.
Q: “What’s the relationship like with the bio mom?”
A: I’ll keep this brief because I want to respect her privacy. We don’t have a relationship. We don’t speak to each other or interact in any way. It isn’t because of lack of effort. We’ve tried, and it just didn’t work. I can only speak for myself and say I’m open to a cordial relationship. This would not only ease the co-parenting dynamic, but I know it’s something that would impact MJ, too. We don’t share mutual feelings there, and that’s okay.
Talking to other bonus moms and reading about others’ experiences in similar situations has been really helpful. There are so many stories that have given me comfort and have reassured me that despite the state of my relationship with his bio mom, he can still grow up to be a happy and emotionally healthy child. This is why Marcus and I practice “parallel parenting.” According to Google, “parallel parenting minimizes the contact between the parents, and each parent has their own parenting approach when their child is in their custody.” You can read more about it here. In a nutshell, he follows our rules at our house, and at her house, he follows her rules. I can’t guarantee this will work for you, but it has worked for our family and greatly reduced our number of disagreements.
I think society places unrealistic standards on blended families. This is mostly because we only see the positive side of it on most social media posts. We expect bonus moms and bio moms to get along or to hate each other in the most Hollywood-dramatic way ever. When you add a child into the situation, we expect everyone to get along for their sake. From a human standpoint, these relationships are too complex to have a one-size-fits-all set of expectations. Some women love their partner’s ex, and some women would never choose to seek a relationship with that person. The important thing is to make sure that we’re all respectful of each other and continue to love him in our own special ways.
Those were deep, but here are some rapid-fire questions:
Q: “What is your husband’s parenting schedule like with MJ?”
A: Marcus and MJ’s mom have court-ordered joint custody. For us, this looks like a 2-2-3 schedule. We have him on Monday and Tuesday (2). His mom has him on Wednesday and Thursday (2), and then we have him Friday through Sunday (3). Then, his mom has him on Monday and Tuesday, and the pattern continues. They also alternate holidays and birthdays. I know this isn’t ideal for all blended families, but this works for us because our homes and his school are no more than twenty minutes apart. This wouldn’t be ideal for families who live really far from each other.
Q: “What does your bonus son call you?”
A: He just calls me “Jess.”
Q: “At what point did you meet his mother?”
A: I met her a little over a year after Marcus and I started dating.
Q: “Were you always open to dating men with kids?”
A: The short answer here is no. Like a lot of people I know, I used to say I’d never date someone with kids, lol. However, as I got older, I realized that a lot of men in my dating pool have children. I thought if I was completely close-minded towards the possibility of those types of relationships, I could be blocking my blessing. When I met Marcus, I was hesitant because I knew it could come with a lot. But the more time I spent getting to know and being around him, I felt like Marcus was worth the challenges I knew would come.
I think being with someone who is co-parenting and being a bonus mom calls for a different level of maturity and communication. Marcus and I communicate about things I didn’t even really think of before. I ask before sharing photos of MJ or even telling stories. As he gets older, this is something we’ll both have to ask him. The three of us have casual family check-ins. There is A LOT of communication required to make these relationships successful. I think I’m able to do this because of my level of maturity then and now. When I met Marcus, I was 28, on my way to 29, and had been in therapy for about a year. There was a lot of growth on my part that I think really paved the way for this to work. Any time before that would have been questionable.
That’s it for now! There were so many questions. I’m so sorry if I didn’t get to yours. I will definitely come back for a part two. If you have any other questions, leave them in a comment below.
A GIFT GUIDE FOR HER
Photo by Olesia 🇺🇦 Buyar on Unsplash
It’s the holiday season, and so we’re all decorating, shopping, and trying to figure out what to buy. This post inspired me to curate a short gift guide that has suggestions for any woman in your life. There’s everything from casual gifts to more personal gifts like perfume! You can gauge what you’re comfortable with, but I hope there’s something here for everyone.
Uggs Short - Uggs are back in style. Finally! These are super cozy, warm, and comfortable!
Fenty Heat Gloss Bomb - My current favorite lip gloss. It goes on so smoothly, and it doesn’t feel heavy on the lips.
Fenty Skin Butta Drop Refillable Whipped Oil Body Cream - A super hydrating and velvety-rich moisturizer. It also smells amazing!
Sola Wave Red Light Therapy Wand - Red light therapy is super trendy right now. It’s said to reduce wrinkles, fine lines, and age spots. It’s also said to reduce a ton of problematic skin issues like blemishes. They can be pretty expensive, but the one I linked feels like a more affordable option.
*You can read about red light therapy here.
Salt and Stone Candle - Saffron and Cedar - Before I even lit this candle, it made my room smell so good! This one is made with coconut wax and a soy wax blend. In my experience, it’s rare for a non-toxic candle to have such a strong scent, but this one delivers! It has beautiful woodsy notes that are perfect for winter!
Kindle - I’m a big reader. I feel like most women I know love to read, too. It’s hard to carry a bunch of books around. Kindles make it so easy to have all of your books in one place, and they’re gentle on the eyes.
Metallic New Balances and Beige New Balances - I’ve been loving them lately, and I recently! They’re super comfortable and can be worn with so many different outfits!
Skims Robe - This looks kind of “basic” and simple, but that’s actually the reason why I got it! It’s super soft and warm but not too heavy, and it’s really flattering. I still like to look cute around the house.
Apple Watch Band - An easy way to dress up an Apple watch!
YSL Black Opium Perfume - I know perfume can be cliche, but I haven’t met a woman who thinks they have too much of it. Black Opium is a classic, and I recently fell in love with it again. It has notes of coffee and vanilla; it smells delicious!
*A tip for gifting perfume: Always make sure you provide a gift receipt. Some perfumes smell amazing, but your body chemistry doesn’t mesh well. Having a gift receipt gives people the option to swap it out. Generally, you should provide a gift receipt for all gifts, but this one is important.
Thanks for reading!
